How to Heal from Rejection Sensitivity
Fearing Rejection: How it Relates to Attachment Theory
Remember Curious George? That little monkey was lovable because of his enthusiastic, playful nature. His natural sense of wonder led him to explore his environment with an openness to learning. In the world of attachment theory, his positive sense of himself and his expectation that others would accept and support him reveal that he has a secure attachment style. By contrast, you may struggle with feeling inadequate and fearing rejection, which reveal an insecure attachment style. However, by adopting George’s curiosity and openness to learning, you can heal your attachment struggles, including becoming more resilient and less rejection sensitive.
Fostering Healthy and Engaged Curiosity
But the quality of your curiosity is extremely important. You can have nonjudgmental curiosity—which I call engaged curiosity—or judgmental curiosity, which I call critical curiosity. When applied inwardly, engaged curiosity opens you to new experiences and can help you understand yourself better. For instance, in thinking about wanting to make your living as an artist, you might muse, “I wonder what it would be like to be a professional painter?”
By contrast, you might be critically curious and, in the tone of an inquisition, ask, “What do you want to do that for?” Your reaction would likely include feeling criticized, and so you might shut down. When this happens, you become more of a stranger to yourself, and your abilities to understand, empathize, and have compassion for yourself become impaired.
Practicing engaged curiosity encourages you to be more open with yourself and others. You feel accepted and have a sense of safety that allows you to lower your defenses, be more self-aware, and understand and appreciate yourself better. For a better understanding of how curiosity can help you with healing your attachment struggles, watch this brief video, How to Motivate Yourself to Change.
4-Step Exercise: Learn to Develop Engaged Curiosity
You can further develop engaged curiosity by completing this thought experiment, which is adapted from an exercise in my book, Bouncing Back from Rejection: Reflect on a time when you felt rejected. Replay it in your mind well enough to connect with your thoughts and feelings at that time.
1. Be curious about your reaction.
Ask yourself, “What was going on for me?” Attend to your self-awareness, including the domains of your sensations, thoughts, emotions, and actions. This will help you gain a full understanding of your experiences and elicit empathy for them.
2. Consider other reactions that people might have to this circumstance.
It can help to think about how particular people you know might react differently. Maybe they would feel rebuffed, but not deeply hurt. Or maybe they would not feel rejected at all. They might also feel disrespected or angry.
3. Reflect on what might be causing your reaction.
Rather than letting yourself just slip into familiar, unhealthy patterns, use your awareness of other possible reactions to try to understand what is motivating you to react as you do. You might consider how the current circumstance would make most people feel at least somewhat rejected. You might also note how certain aspects of the situation remind you of other, deeply upsetting situations. Or the fear of not being good enough might be related to a deeper fear that has been with you since childhood—an issue that might need to be explored further to more fully understand.
4. Affirm your understanding.
Once you “get” why you responded as you did, it is important to realize that your reaction is a human one. Given your particular circumstance, you would likely feel empathy for someone else having the same reaction. Allow yourself to have empathy and compassion for it...and for yourself.
Think about doing this exercise as a way to practice engaged curiosity, as you would do for any new skill. If you realize that you have returned to old patterns, simply acknowledge it, along with how difficult it is to develop this skill. You might take a breath and try again, or give yourself a break and return to practice this exercise at a later time.
Engaged Curiosity as a Path to Resilience
As you strengthen your ability to use engaged curiosity, your increased openness fosters compassionate self-awareness, helping you cope better in the moment when you are feeling dismissed or rejected, or to be resilient and recover more quickly afterward. Rather than being self-critical or ashamed, you will feel motivated to support and encourage yourself. In this way, you will heal the attachment wound that has led to your rejection sensitivity. You will also have a more secure attachment style, feeling more positively toward yourself and more open to others.