Moving Toward Resilience from Anxious Attachment
Do you ever wonder why you are so insecure, even when you don’t think you have a good reason to be? This general sense of insecurity is likely an expression of anxious attachment, which means that you experience yourself as, to some degree, essentially flawed, unworthy, and unlovable. You likely developed this model of self during childhood, when you absorbed the message that you are somehow deficient as a person. Oh, the anxiety this has caused you!
You judge yourself as inadequate, and you expect others to judge you, too. Though you may be desperate for someone to comfort you, it is hard to believe that anyone will accept and love the real you. Sounding familiar?
Still, you may think that if you work hard enough, you might be able to “earn” their acceptance and love. The problem is that you feel emotionally safe in the relationship only to the degree that you can be giving enough, smart enough, attractive enough, or enough of whatever you think you need to be to win their caring. Again, that’s enough pressure to keep anyone anxious!
In my book, Bouncing Back from Rejection, I offer the following exercise to help you understand your model of self and how it might be making you anxious.
Is Your Model of Self Making You Anxious?
Consider the following ways in which a negative self-relationship is often expressed.
Check off each one that you believe applies to you:
Within Yourself
Feeling insecure, dependent, weak, inferior, flawed, or inadequate
Feeling not as good or as competent as other people in your life
Feeling alone in the world (even when others are around or supportive)
Being self-critical (which can also be self-bullying)
Feeling shame, self-loathing
Being angry with yourself for your perceived flaws
Withdrawing into yourself in response to feeling so negatively about yourself
Fearful of being overwhelmed by your emotions (believe intense emotions show that there is something wrong with you)
Self in Relation to Others
Being quick to see others as rejecting you
Feeling fearful of rejection or abandonment
Withdrawing from others to avoid rejection
Being angry with others for not being as available or supportive as you feel you need, or for not somehow making you feel better
Trying desperately to prove to others that you are worthy
Being needy or clingy
Reflect on each checked phrase. The more you endorse these phrases, the more anxiously attached you probably are. The phrases you relate to indicate areas that you would benefit from improving. Journal any thoughts you have related to these self-perceptions.
Moving Toward Resilience
If you relate to yourself in an insecure and anxious way, then creating a more positive self-relationship can offer a pathway toward being more secure, and more resilient when you do feel upset. Of course, this is not easy. You can help yourself by exploring when and how you first learned to perceive yourself so negatively. Then practice empathizing with, and having compassion for, the struggles of that younger version of you. I offer another way to help yourself in my brief video, How to Stop Self-Criticism, below.
As you work to nurture self-awareness and self-compassion (i.e., compassionate self-awareness) and to create a more positive self-relationship, you will notice that you endorse fewer of the statements in the “Is Your Model of Self Making You Anxious?” section above; and feel less intensely about the ones you do endorse. While learning to be compassionately self-aware takes effort and persistence, this positive self-relationship can change your whole life for the better!