A Simple Guide to Attachment Theory
A Simple Guide to Attachment Theory
The word is finally getting out there in the self-help world about attachment theory, which is wonderful because it can be so helpful in understanding your personal struggles and how you nurture more positive relationships with yourself and others. So, to help you use attachment theory to improve the quality of your life, this article offers a brief, user-friendly explanation of it.
A Brief Primer on Attachment Theory
No matter how many years you have lived, your biology and childhood experiences are the foundation of how you think about yourself and others. This basic idea underpins attachment theory, which was developed by John Bowlby. He explained that infants are born into the world “wired” for connection, or as this theory labels it, attachment. They look to caregivers for their survival needs and for emotional connection to help them feel safe.
Bowlby described the adults they turn to for security, comfort, and encouragement as attachment figures. This relationship sets the stage for how they relate to themselves and others for the rest of their lives, though experiences along the way certainly influence them. (Importantly, people continue to have attachment figures into adulthood, such as mentors, close friends, and spouses.)
Children learn that turning to their attachment figures (or caregivers) generally leads to certain responses, such as being comforted and helped, causing anxiety or anger in their caregivers, being ignored, or some combination of these responses. Children’s reactions to these responses are the foundation of their attachment style (or way of connecting), which they generally carry throughout their lives—though, as mentioned earlier, attachment styles are also influenced by life experiences.
For example, Janine’s mother was frequently critical, which left its mark on her in the form of chronic feelings of inadequacy within herself and a fear of rejection from others. However, after dating Steve—a very decent, caring, and supportive man—for some time, she began to relate to herself in a more positive way.
Two Fundamental Elements of Attachment Styles
A helpful way to think about your attachment style is as basically a combination of the way you relate to yourself and to others. Researchers Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991) called these ways of relating the model of self and model of others.
Model of Self
The model of self is the way you think about and relate to yourself. Infants’ sense of themselves depends upon how their parents or caregivers respond to them, especially in the early years. If your parents were attuned to your distress as an infant and able to calmly soothe you, then you would have developed a sense that you were not just cared for in the moment, but also worthy of love. Then this would have hopefully been reinforced throughout your childhood, and, in fact, for the rest of your life. The positive self-perception would have enabled you to feel calm and self-assured, as opposed to anxious and insecure.
But if you felt less emotionally understood and safe as a child, you might hold a model of self that judges yourself harshly, which is associated with having a more anxious attachment style. You experience yourself as relatively inadequate, flawed, unlovable, or in some other similar negative way. This model leads you to feel great anxiety in relationship to yourself and to look to others for comfort.
Model of Others
The model of others is the way you think about the emotional availability of attachment figures, who we are wired to turn to when we are upset and feel unsafe. If your parents typically accepted, loved, and comforted you when you were upset as a child, you learned to expect attachment figures to be there for you emotionally. As an adult, this means you would expect caring responses from people such as close friends or a partner.
However, if your parents tended to respond to your distress with apathy, anger, or being unable to comfort you because they were preoccupied with their own distress, you likely learned to turn away from those relationships. So, unless you had an attachment figure other than your parents who was attentive and loving, you may continue to handle life’s struggles by being relatively self-sufficient, possibly to the point of having difficulty with developing emotionally close relationships. This way of relating to others is the hallmark of an avoidant attachment style.
People with the avoidant attachment style may not feel they have a problem until they face a truly overwhelming problem, such as having a partner who is unhappy with the lack of emotional intimacy and who forces them to look at their tendency to remain emotionally distant.
Four Basic Attachment Styles
Although two broad attachment styles of attachment—anxious and avoidant—have been described, there are actually four basic styles. These can be understood by combining the model of self and model of others. There is one secure style and three insecure ones. As you read about each of them, keep in mind that people develop their attachment style as a way to cope with distress.
Secure Attachment
People with a secure attachment style experience themselves as worthy and lovable and others as emotionally available. So, when they are distressed, they can turn to themselves and to others for comfort. The result is that they feel relatively at peace within themselves and they tend to have healthy relationships.
Preoccupied (Insecure or Anxious) Attachment
People with the preoccupied or anxious attachment style experience themselves as unlovable or unacceptable in some way, and they experience others as emotionally available. Feeling unable to calm and comfort themselves when they struggle, they look to others for this. However, because they feel somehow deficient, they become “preoccupied” with trying to earn the love and approval of others.
Dismissing (Insecure or Avoidant) Attachment
People with the dismissing or avoidant attachment style experience themselves as capable and worthy, though they judge themselves based on external successes. They tend to avoid or minimize their emotional distress. Similarly, they see others as emotionally unavailable and so they do not take in comfort from others. In other words, they are “dismissive” of their own experiences and the caring of others.
Fearful Avoidant (Insecure, Anxious and Avoidant) Attachment
These people view themselves as unworthy and others as emotionally not available, possibly even hostile. They have no place to turn for support when they are distressed. As a result, they often send mixed signals to themselves and others, looking for connection while also pushing it away. Their relationships are often chaotic and disruptive.
What To Do When You Know Your Attachment Style
It is essential to understand that there is a range of experiences people can have with their model of self and model of others. For instance, with regard to the model of self, a person can have some doubts about their value to others or they can be sure that they have no value. This means that even after you identify your basic attachment style, that does not automatically describe your experiences. In addition, your attachment style can different in different relationships and can change over time, with life experience. So, you would benefit from getting to know yourself well, even beyond knowing your basic style.
Exercise: Identify Your Model of Self and Model of Others
As you get to know yourself from the attachment framework, you will begin to identify where your struggles are. You can begin to separate your model of self and others from what a specific situation is actually revealing. Consider these questions:
Model of Self
How worthy or lovable do I tend to think I am? (Reflect back over the course of your life.)
When I step back from my reflexive self-doubt or criticism, what traits do I value in myself?
In a current relationship, what does my friend or partner value in me?
Model of Others
How emotionally available do I tend to expect significant others to be?
When I step back from my reflexive expectation for others to be unavailable or even hostile, what kinds of responses have I tended to see?
Have I pushed away people in my life who have (or may have) been trying to be a support?
Next Steps
I suggest that you give a lot of thought to these questions. You might want to journal about these questions about them or talk them over with a friend. As you do this, you will begin to see how your attachment style is affecting your life. The more specific you can be in detailing these thoughts, the more you will think of actions you can take to develop a more secure attachment style… and enjoy a greater sense of well-being and happier, more secure relationships!