Insecure in Your Relationship? How to Help Yourself

WebMD Blog:

Insecure in Your Relationship? How to Help Yourself

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

Relationships come with plenty of opportunities to worry. He worries she’s cheating. She worries he doesn’t love her anymore. They both worry that maybe the relationship won’t last. The list of possible concerns can go on and on. But what does the worrying really mean?Worry is often a sign that there is a problem in your relationship that needs to be addressed, but it might also signal a personal struggle that resides more in you. So, it’s important to ask yourself what your exact worry is. Rather than accepting that you are just anxious about your relationship, get more specific. For instance, you might realize that your girlfriend never wants to make plans until the last minute, and that might make you think she’s not that committed to your relationship.

Once you are aware of your specific concern, ask yourself whether it is reasonable. This can sometimes be difficult to figure out. It can help to think about what your assessment of the situation would be if it were happening to someone else. Or, you might ask a trusted friend for their thoughts. Address any reasonable causes for concern directly, doing your best to work it out together.

But if the real problem is your own perceptions and fears, you’ll want to take a different approach. For instance, you may realize that your jealousy has less to do with your partner’s actions than your tendency to assume the worst. Unfortunately, just knowing this may not be enough to alleviate your insecurities.

In this situation, it’s important that you clearly acknowledge the problem is in you. Next, reassure self, “I am just worrying.” This can help to change how you process your worries. Rather than being caught up in them, you can simply observe these thoughts and relate to them as unwanted intruders in your mind. This change may enable you to let them go more easily. Then you can choose to focus your attention and energies on more positive aspects of your partner and your relationship.

You might talk with your partner about your insecurities. You can explain that you have these unwanted worries. You will probably be tempted to ask your partner for reassurance, but since the worry is irrational, any comfort this offers is likely to be short-lived. So, instead, encourage your partner to empathize with what it is like to have this unwanted insecurity. You will feel supported in your struggle and also encouraged to release yourself from this way of thinking.

The thought, “I am just worrying” is a simple, though not easy, solution. You will need to repeat it to yourself many times. But as you do, you will likely find that your anxious thoughts have a less powerful hold on you. You will feel less insecure, and even be open to more positive thoughts and secure feelings about your relationship.


The opinions expressed in WebMD Second Opinion are solely those of the User, who may or may not have medical or scientific training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of WebMD Second Opinion are not reviewed by a WebMD physician or any member of the WebMD editorial staff for accuracy, balance, objectivity, or any other reason except for compliance with our Terms and Conditions. Some of these opinions may contain information about treatments or uses of drug products that have not been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. WebMD does not endorse any specific product, service or treatment.

Do not consider Second Opinion as medical advice. Never delay or disregard seeking professional medical advice from your doctor or other qualified healthcare provider because of something you have read on WebMD. You should always speak with your doctor before you start, stop, or change any prescribed part of your care plan or treatment. WebMD understands that reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment from a qualified health care provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or dial 911 immediately.