How to Keep Love Alive

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

When relationships lose their magic, couples often look for a way to shake things up – maybe a big trip or a new experience to add a spark to their love life. If the couple’s foundation is strong and they still feel emotionally connected, these small changes can work. But too often, couples are past such quick fixes. Even when an infusion of excitement helps them to connect, it lasts no more than a moment. They soon return to daily life, and the distance that has become part of their relationship is all too apparent. To truly close the gap and maintain closeness, it’s essential that couples regularly nurture a sense of intimacy.

The natural connection that you can see in some long-time couples is grown from years of nurturing. Repetitive, small gestures of caring keep them close as they grow together. Some ways to express your love in such simple acts are:

• Saying, “I love you.”
• Being physically affectionate, such as by offering hugs or holding hands
• Taking care of your children so that your spouse can stay in bed a little longer
• Giving a small “just-because” gift
• Buying your spouse their favorite foods to keep in the house
• When your spouse is struggling, doing the chores that would otherwise fall on their shoulders
• Asking how you can help when your spouse is having a tough day (or just a regular day)

The list goes on. There are infinite possibilities. And, as you can see, these are all everyday ways you can express your love. But for these gestures to be effective, you must be careful about what you offer and how you offer it. Making your partner coffee each morning is kind. But always putting milk in it when their preference is to take it black might be more annoying than endearing. Similarly, asking about your partner’s day when they are going through a tough time at work is supportive. But throwing out the question while perusing your phone isn’t nearly as effective as asking with concern and undivided attention.

Regular loving acts make your relationship a truly safe, comforting, and loving “home.” As long as these small gestures are a part of your daily life, you might want to occasionally add some excitement with a grand gesture. Throw a big surprise party. Plan a trip to a country your spouse has always wanted to visit. Or, buy your spouse that expensive watch they’ve always wanted. Like the crescendo of explosions at the end of a fireworks show, these over-the-top expressions of love can add excitement to an already wonderful relationship.