You Are Not Overreacting — Here’s Why

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“Overreacting” is Based on Perspective

Despite what you or others may think, you never overreact... or with a change of perspective, you can at least see how your reaction is understandable – whether you are expressing extreme anxiety, fear, anger, depression, or something else. I know that sounds extreme, but the label “overreaction” is a judgment call, based on how reactions are framed. Change your framing and you may change your assessment.

Comedy is filled with examples of the importance of framing or perspective. In a scene from the 1990 film Postcards from the Edge, the main character (played by Meryl Streep) appears to be hanging from the side of a building, precariously high above the ground. But then she lifts her hands in apparent frustration, revealing that she was really lying on her belly, and the “danger” was simply a product of a creative camera angle.

Change Your Vantage Point

Our reactions to life are like that, based on how we frame situations. To be clear, when I state that there are no overreactions, I am not denying that people can respond out of proportion to an external situation. Nor am I denying that your reactions might be problematic. Rather, my point is that by expanding your perspective, those “overreactions” may make sense and be proportionate to the new way of viewing the situation.

For instance, you may snap at a friend who doesn’t deserve it. It’s easy to recognize this as an uncalled-for reaction – or an overreaction. However, if you also recognize that you reacted this way because you were sleep-deprived, then your reaction will make more sense because we know that really tired people tend to have a lower frustration tolerance. It’s an understandable reaction given the situation – but it’s also a situation you would not want to repeat.

Consider this more complicated situation: When Judy burst into tears after Dan said he liked the meal she cooked for them, he became understandably confused by this apparent overreaction. After she calmed down, she found the courage to describe how she has an anxious attachment style. She’s always expected other people to criticize her like her parents had when she was a kid, making her feel lonely and like a big nothing. She also shared how she had finally found cooking, something she felt she was good at. So, his lukewarm response to the meal felt like a criticism, triggering an emotional memory of feeling devastated by her parents’ criticisms, and reigniting the expectation of being rejected. By the end of her tear-filled explanation, Dan got why she was so upset. He could see how it was an understandable response to all that she was struggling with. Still, he repeated that he had never been critical of her, making her response to him an overreaction.

From a purely logical and non-emotional view of the external situation, Judy’s response is clearly an overreaction. However, people are generally not coldly analytic but are also emotional. Human emotions are based in a part of the brain that processes in a rapid, nonverbal, nonlinear way. Connections are often made in response to relationships or associations rather than a linear analysis of details in a situation. This is why you might feel sad about a friend who died years ago while attending the funeral of a recent work colleague. And it is why Judy become so distressed by Dan’s blasé response to the meal. Given her history and self-doubt, she expected him to be critical and rejecting.

This kind of apparent overreaction often occurs when people carry within them concepts they learned about themselves or others in childhood. Someone who had an unpredictably angry parent might read criticism into even benign statements by others. Or, they might be quick to think of themselves as a failure when they make a simple mistake at work. Are these reactions out of proportion to the current situations? Yes. But if you imagine the parallel situations they faced as children, it is understandable how their child selves would have had such a strong reaction. Though years have passed, their child selves (or the neural networks in their brains established during childhood) are still there, making their reactions understandable, and not overreactions.

Given that this concept can be difficult to fully grasp, you might find it helpful to watch this brief video, Making Sense of Overreactions.

Comforting Your Distress

When you view your own or someone else’s “overreactions” on a surface level, you are likely to respond to them with incredulity, judgment, and a “get over it” response. This often adds a level of distress to an already painful situation. It also causes problems within the person who is already struggling, as well as within the relationship.

However, when you develop greater awareness and can see deeper issues, you are more likely to have empathy. And this can open you to responding with compassion, which can be healing. When you nurture this compassionate approach within yourself, it can help you respond similarly to others. With compassionate self-awareness, you can understand your apparent overreactions with a depth of understanding and compassion that will help you to nurture a greater sense of well-being in yourself and your relationships.