Trapped in the Same Painful Patterns? Here’s How to Break Free for Good
Freepik / AI Generated
Understand the psychology behind repeating cycles and discover the power of compassionate self-awareness to create lasting change.
Survival stories often include the scenario in which people who are lost in the woods go in circles. No matter what direction they take, they keep finding themselves back at the same spot. Surprisingly, this phenomenon isn't just a narrative device. Research by Souman et al. (2009) confirms that without external reference points like the sun or moon, people tend to walk in circles when lost in unfamiliar terrain.
This tendency to circle back isn't just about physical navigation—it also mirrors how we often deal with inner struggles, such as anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and shame; as well as relationship issues. Of course, people face similar difficulties with unhealthy behaviors, such as vaping, overeating, and gambling. Despite trying to change such patterns, many people find themselves repeating the same painful or problematic cycles.
Why We Get Stuck Repeating Unhealthy Patterns
The frustration of feeling stuck can be disheartening and make personal growth seem impossible. The seeming inability to escape can stem from:
Deep-seated, and perhaps subconscious, insecurities
Relying on old coping mechanisms that no longer serve us
Being emotionally disconnected from our experiences
Seeking change without a concrete plan or direction
The good news is that just as maps and GPS help us navigate the physical world, increasing our self-awareness can create a psychological roadmap for change.
The Key to Breaking Free
For personal growth, we need enough self-awareness that we can identify internal reference points—such as understanding our triggers, behavioral patterns, and negative self-talk. Another essential part of developing self-awareness is being able to identify, label, experience, and “sit with” our many emotions. As you learn to experience your emotions in this way, you can begin to understand and then empathize with them, perhaps even having compassion for yourself.
This compassionate self-awareness will motivate you to try to help yourself in a caring way as you muddle through the often-difficult human experience of living. Along the way, rather than beating yourself up for your failures or imperfections, you will feel compassionately toward yourself – much as you would feel toward a friend or child who struggles. Your self-compassion will also motivate you to learn how to recognize emotional triggers, identify and effectively use coping mechanisms, and encourage yourself to keep trying even when you feel discouraged.
Very often people who have trouble with developing compassionate self-awareness relate to themselves in a very self-critical way and can be said to have an anxious attachment style. To learn more about this, listen to the Evidence-Based podcast in which Dr. Becker-Phelps is interviewed about overcoming anxious attachment.
Therapy: A Guide to Making Your Journey Easier
Professional guidance can be helpful. It may even be essential, especially when dealing with chronic anxiety, depression, or unresolved trauma. If you would like to pursue therapy, it's critical that you choose a qualified therapist who offers a map that you believe has the real potential to help you heal. It’s that belief that can help you to persevere even when the journey is especially challenging, and the way forward looks daunting.
This advice is based on research that highlights the importance of the therapeutic alliance—the collaborative relationship between therapist and patient—as a critical factor for successful treatment. For example, one study found that the compatibility between a therapist’s and patient’s views on the presenting problem accounts for 35% of the success or effectiveness of different therapies. It’s likely that a strong therapist-client connection enables a more successful treatment by fostering trust and emotional safety.
The Final Path Forward: Navigating Change with Compassionate Self-Awareness
Recognizing the parallels between physical and psychological navigation can provide valuable insights. Just as external reference points prevent us from walking in circles in the physical world, the wisdom of compassionate self-awareness can prevent us from spiraling emotionally and psychologically. Compassionate self-awareness can also help you to experience emotional growth as you effectively navigate the complexities of life and move toward emotional well-being and resilience..