Is Your Current Partner a Keeper?

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Be sure to understand your relationship needs.

Your relationship isn’t perfect, but what relationship is? Sometimes you feel good about it, or at least have hope that it will become more of what you want. At other times, you are not so sure. You may know you enjoy spending time with your partner and that you feel sexual attraction. But when it comes to evaluating your relationship goals and whether your relationship is healthy as a whole, you may feel at a loss.

If you are looking for guidance, consider using insights from attachment theory, an understanding of human relationships that is well-supported by many decades of research. It explains that our close relationships can be extremely powerful influences in our lives because they are tied to our biological drive to survive. The need for relationships with others begins with our need for caretaking as infants. Though we need less protection for physical survival as we mature, humans have evolved to survive as a species by being part of communities.

According to attachment theory, our primary “attachments” – which includes parents when you’re a child and romantic partners when you’re an adult – are healthy when they effectively serve these three basic functions:

• Safe haven: They are someone you can turn to for comfort when you are upset.

• Secure base: They support you in exploring the world, such as your interests, goals and values.

• Proximity: You maintain a sense of them being nearby. As an adult this means that you feel they are emotionally close even when they are physically distant.  

While you may struggle with insecure attachment that can leave you feeling anxious or alone, having a partner who helps you feel safe and secure can make all the difference in your life.

Assessing Your Relationship

While you may want things in a partner that are unrelated to them offering a safe haven, secure base, and feeling they are close-by, these are fundamental requirements for any secure, healthy relationship. So, it’s helpful to reflect on them as you decide whether your partner is potentially a healthy choice for you. The following Reevaluating Your Relationship exercise from The Insecure in Love Workbook offers the following guidance in this process:

Rate how well each of the following statements describes your partner by using a scale of 1 to 5, in which 1 means not at all and 5 means very well:

Safe Haven

___ Communicates that they really hear and understand you

___ Expresses a desire to be there for you when you struggle

___   Responds to your distress with caring, reassurance, and support

___   Just being in their presence feels comforting

Secure Base

___   Shows an interest in what’s important to you

___   Wants you to be the best version of yourself

___   Encourages you to explore your interests

___   Is consistent in their support and encouragement

___   Is supportive even when you differ in opinions or interests

Proximity

___   Their presence, or your awareness of them, is comforting.

___   Their presence, or your awareness of them, feels encouraging for you to explore yourself and the world.

Gaining greater self-awareness is important in helping you better understand how well your partner meets your needs. Along with reflecting on the above ratings, you might also consider these questions: In what ways are you happy with your partner and your relationship? In what ways do your partner and your relationship fall short? In response to the problem areas that you identify, do you want to let things slide, work on the issues, or end the relationship? In addition to writing your thoughts here, you might find it helpful to talk with your partner or discuss this with a friend or a therapist.

To help you reflect even more on your relationship, watch this two-minute video, A Minimum Daily Requirement for Healthy Relationships.

Decide What is Right for You

The process of evaluating your relationship is a very personal one. Different people have different priorities. However, the three basic functions of attachment theory are necessary for secure, committed relationships. So, whatever else you may want in a partner, be sure that you feel safe, supported, and emotionally close with the person you choose to be your partner.