For Couples: When Good Intentions Go Wrong

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All too often in a relationship one partner’s good intentions somehow transform into an argument. Understanding this dynamic is essential in changing it.

I do a lot of couples therapy and have found that one common – and particularly upsetting – dynamic is when one partner expects kudos for their attempt to be helpful and both partners end up with feelings of rejection and frustration. If you have been there, you know exactly what I’m talking about. But in case you are unsure, a common example is when a person proactively does one of their partner’s chores (say, the laundry) only to have their partner grumble about them not taking care of something else. The next thing you know, they are either in a yelling match or not talking to each other. The obvious question is, how can such good intentions go so wrong?

If your good intentions have met this fate, you might be inclined to respond angrily with the thought, No good deed goes unpunished! While the sentiment is completely understandable, it does not feel good, and it isn’t helpful. Instead, it is usually much more helpful to listen to what your partner has to say about why they are upset. This means trying to climb out of your head and settle into theirs – but with some guidance from them.

What you may find is that your partner was needing a different kind of help. So, even if they appreciated what you did, they did not appreciate your failure to see what they really wanted or needed. Just imagine how a starving person might be less than grateful if you proudly told them that you just cleaned their house… no matter how dirty it was or how immaculate you made it. Or, in a more realistic example, consider Jill. Her husband was not thrilled by her buying him a beautiful – and expensive – new watch while he sweated out finding a way to pay the bills. When you see things only from your own perspective, you might be totally missing your partner’s experience.

It could be that this problem is based in your “impaired vision.” In other words, you may have struggles or difficulties that prevent you from seeing certain needs in others. For example, if Jill’s parents showed their love with lavish gifts, she might equate such gift-giving with love, making it hard to truly appreciate how her generosity might stress her husband. To learn about how the dynamics in couples can become problematic over time, watch my brief video, This Problem May Plague Your Relationship.

What to Do When Your Efforts to Help are Rejected

When your partner responds negatively to your caring actions, you might instinctively assume that they are ungrateful, self-centered, or that they take you for granted. Self-awareness of these initial reactions is crucial because then you can choose how you want to respond. Rather than jumping to conclusions, think of their mismatched response as a sign that needs to be considered. The truth is that your assessment may be right, but then again, maybe it’s not.

Choose to put aside your defensiveness and lean into being curious. You can begin to understand your partner better and repair your relationship by sharing your confusion. Ask them to help you see the problem with what you did. They might begin with exasperation, unable to conceive of how you don’t get it. But if you continue to be open, to encourage them to share, they will likely try to explain – and you may gain some insights. For Jill, as she saw her loving gift of a watch through her husband’s eyes, her defenses dropped and she empathized with his response of feeling stressed.

Similarly, if your positive (or benign) actions are met with a negative response from your partner, seeing the situation through their eyes will hopefully lead you to experience empathy, and even compassion. Putting aside your perspective to do this does require discipline, so be patient with yourself as you practice. But as a result, your partner will likely calm down and feel understood, enabling them to then appreciate your efforts. You will both feel closer and be better able to navigate misunderstandings in the future.