As submitted for publication in Recorder Community Newspapers,
January 11, 2007
Don’t let self-doubt make your resolutions self-destruct
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight
When
you wish upon a star, you are really expressing a dream. And whether
you wish for a new sports car, lower numbers on the bathroom scale, or
to make the world a better place, you want to feel uplifted by the
thought of a better future. It is this inspiration that many of us seek
when we decide upon a New Year’s resolution.
However, some resolutions, like dreams, are more illusion than reality.
They tantalize with the image of a beautiful destination but do not
include a path or bridge to get there. So, if we are drawn to the image
without any further thought, we are likely to find ourselves lost, or
worse, stuck in the mud of self-reproach for having failed.
To draw a map of how to proceed once you have a dream, you need to
develop goals and objectives. Goals state what needs to be accomplished
to achieve your dream. If your dream is a new car, decide which car you
want and figure out how much money you will need to earn to buy it. The
goals for helping save the world would certainly be more involved.
However, we find a wonderful, local role model in the recently deceased
Irwin Richardt. He had a goal to “stand up” for what he believed
through words and actions.
Next, decide on some objectives. Objectives are steps along the way
toward achieving your goals. You might be able to afford a new car by
working overtime at your job. As for making a difference on a larger
scale, Mr. Richardt provided an example by often publicly pronouncing
his unique views on many issues. In fact, he even gave up driving
because he did not want to pay automobile insurance, which he viewed as
unconstitutional.
Once you have mapped out a way to get to your New Year’s dream, you
know your path and can begin the journey. However, even with such a
well-thought-out plan, there is one big obstacle that might get in your
way. That obstacle is YOU.
Many of us often fail to achieve our dreams because of our
self-perceptions. We fool ourselves into thinking we have identified
workable goals and objectives when, in fact, our vision remains a
dream. We dream of being a person who can follow through with our plan,
but we don’t believe we are that person. So, we make careful note of
how difficult the new path is and vigilantly pay attention to all the
times that we trip or fall. All we see is how inept we are. Eventually,
we give up trying and return, disheartened, to our more familiar, less
appealing path.
This is a journey that most of us have experienced, more times than we
care to admit. A common scenario might go like this: Stacy has made a
New Year’s resolution to lose weight. Though she has tried dieting many
times in the past, she’s never been able to keep the weight off. She
sees herself as having no self-control with food, but this year, she
thinks, she is going to be different. She resolves to eat healthy and
lose weight. So, she starts the year with a balanced diet and feels
good about it.
This sounds like a great start, right? Right…except for the part about
believing she cannot control herself around food. This eventually
causes her problems…
One day Stacy goes to the movies with a friend. She resolutely decides
not to buy any snacks. However, as she sits next to her friend who is
happily chomping away on popcorn, she cannot resist. So, she takes just
one small handful. Unfortunately, before she knows it, she is munching
along with her friend. Later Stacy chastises herself for doing this—not
just for making a mistake in judgment, but for being who she knew she
is (someone who cannot control her eating). Even though she gets back
to her plan for healthy eating the next day, she is that much more sure
that she will fail. After a few more “slips”, she accepts that she is
incapable of healthy eating and gives up trying. The end of this story
is almost inevitable from the start because Stacy began with accepting
that she is incapable of healthy eating.
However, an awareness of this self-perception would provide her with
the opportunity to challenge it. And doing so could change the outcome
for Stacy. The story would then end like this…
Stacy focused on all the times that she made wise food choices. She
then realized that she is capable of healthy eating. She accepted her
“slips” as isolated incidents of poor eating, rather than as revealing
an inherent character flaw. In time, she built her self-confidence in
healthy eating and episodes of overeating or making poor choices became
momentary setbacks, not defining moments. Eventually, she lost weight,
felt good about her eating habits, and felt much better about her life.
Whatever your particular goals are, remember that attitude is
essential. You can increase your chances of succeeding by praising your
own striving, recognizing your progress, and accepting your mistakes as
momentary setbacks (and maybe even as learning experiences).
As you review your New Year’s resolution, or belatedly develop one,
take the time to clearly define what you want. Find your motivation in
your dreams. But place importance on the process of following your
goals and objectives to that dream. And use your attitude to keep you
on the path.
The
Recorder Newspapers has over 250,000 readers and publishes weekly
editions in 19 newspapers, which cover Morris, Somerset, Essex and
Hunterdon counties of New Jersey.
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD
Basking Ridge, NJ
908-604-6363
www.drbecker-phelps.com
|
